


Aftermath

by pixiedurango



Series: The Nininaelle Lavellan Files [1]
Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: After Revelations, F/M, Mild Language, Minor Violence, Post Judgement Scene, Post Revelations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 21:59:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3585561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiedurango/pseuds/pixiedurango
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My personal attempt to overcome the "Post-Revelations"-Trauma for my Lavellan Archer-Assassin Nininaelle. </p><p>If you did not play Blackwalls personal quest and want to keep it spoiler-free maybe you should better bookmark this piece for later.</p><p>There is some "language" in it and some mild violence. But hey,  DA:I is full of killing and blood and gore and so anyone should be able to deal with what happens in here ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> I already read some wonderful pieces about this topic and I think everybody who is into Blackwall has their own issues with him, the personal quest and the given options. The Dialogues are a good start but they clearly have their limits so I think many of us feel the need to add things and focus more on specific aspects and find their own way to deal with the situation and with Blackwall.  
> Nininaelle is a sarcastic tomboy with some girlie attitudes and she can be a spitfire when she gets angry... and Maker! she is angry after the judgement!!!  
> But she also loves Blackwall and she did not dump him. She only needs some time and some serious talk with him to overcome the pain and the aftershock.
> 
> I took some of the dialogues out of the game. Some I altered or extended for some more precision. Not all of them occur at the same moment as in the game when I thought they would fit better in another place.
> 
> There is a lot of silence and pauses and "eyes speaking" in this piece but I assume that would be the way a "serious talk" with Blackwall would come out.

 

 

I gave my life  
Ain't takin' yours  
I shouldn't let you go, oh  
I drank from the cup  
But it wasn't enough  
To wash the blood from my hands  
...  
And all my life  
And all my dreams  
And all I had  
It's lost, it seems

Devil in me - Jamie N Commons

**Aftermath - Sometimes surviving just isn't enough**

She ran.

The icy wind cut through her leather armour and into her lungs but it was not able to cool down the burning heat she felt inside.

She could not stand her chambers. Not the smithy or the war-room and for sure not the tavern with its people, the music and laughter.

Skyhold seemed claustrophobic and unbearable small to her.

She ran faster.

Pacing uphill and downhill again and again around the castlewalls. She tried to calm herself down within the landscapes’ majesty and beauty. By exhausting herself she hoped at some point she would make the pain stop.

 _He_ was back. _He_ would life. Continue to fight for the Inquisition. And _she_ had arranged it.

Because she _had_ to, she tried to assure herself.

Because she _wanted_ it, she had to admit to herself.

She had given him his freedom. He rejected. Indulged with his idea, that only death would be the solution for all his and the worlds problems.

She had not accepted that. Took this choice from him. Decided that he would live.

_Further, further, faster, faster._

Up the next hill until her lungs and muscles were burning. She waited for this new pain letting the old one fade. It didn’t work.

She had tried to convince herself that her decisions were all from necessity for the welfare of the Inquisition. That it was not acceptable to lose such a skilled warrior.

But to be honest he had been simply right, when he accused her using hers and the Inquisitions power for her own personal interests.

She did not _want_ to see him dead because she loved him and did not want to go on without him. She was ready to forget about his crimes. The crimes he committed in a former life as a different person she did’t know. As a person she did’t want to _get to know_. As a person she truly believed he wasn't anymore. That he’d become a better man.

But she didn't intend to just forget other things he did.

He had confessed his love for her. Not in private but in the courtroom during the trial. She believed him, though everything else had been a lie. This love appeared to be basically the only truth in this nasty charade he had lived all the years. And he had maintained living that lie even after joining the Inquisition, becoming her companion. Her friend. Her lover. And exactly this was the point she could not easily overcome!

There in the courtroom she had taken his hands, still tied together.His eyes full of sadness, anger and defiance. She had given him his freedom and reprieved him with her kiss in front of the audience.

She had set a mark by openly forgiving him which meant counting feelings before justice.

And she was well aware that she had made herself and the entire Inquisition assailable by doing so. At least as long as it would take until this incident became insignificant enough to be caught up in the whirlwind of events and be forgotten then.

For the world it looked like she was done and at peace now no matter what he had done.

But she wasn’t.

She was not ready to face it. To face him.

She ran.

She could not escape the pain no matter how fast and how far.

But she did not stop running.

 

~   ~   ~

 

He stood on the battlements.

He must have been here for ages as it felt to him. Like a stone. Cold. Motionless. But under the stonecold surface it seethed.

The man who had called himself Blackwall realized that this was the spot where they had spoken about their feelings for the first time after arriving at Skyhold. The place where he half-hearted had tried to reject her but she had told him that she would not give up on him. The place where he had tried to make up reasons about being at war, having other duties and other stuff no one would accept as a reason who felt as they already felt back then.

Now he was just standing there staring into the distance.

One part of his mind still insisted that everything had been in his hand. Always. The day they met. Many times. Even after he had joined the Inquisition. Again and again. He should have stayed back from her for the good of everyone. He never should have let it go that far that they fell in love.

Yet another part of him did not want to lose her. Wanted to cling to that love. That part was longing for her and his dreams for a little home, maybe children and a dog and to become grey with each other. That part knew he had fallen for her long before they even talked about love or even considering romantic feelings.

And after all the musing there always stood the helpless realization that he should have stayed in that little hut at the lake in the Hinterlands. He should have stayed away from the Inquisition if he really had wanted his secret to stay undiscovered for ever. The day he decided to follow the Inquisition - to follow her - had been the beginning of the end of his lie.

The moment she had caught him with her sparkling green eyes and succumbed him with her sarcastic grin and her loose tongue should have been the moment for him to realize that his self-delusion was about to come to an end if he went with her. He should have known that beside all those true and divine new feelings and all the good he found in her, soon there would be no more space for lies.

Maybe this was simply what he had wanted and needed.

Freeing his self from the lie he had lived for so many years. Not being homeless anymore and on the run. Having a real goal for his life and a real cause to fight for. Having someone to love. To live for. To die for. Maybe this was the reason he had called after her to come back. She was already about leaving him alone in Hinterlands where she had tracked him down to ask questions. She had not asked him to go with the Inquisition first. It was him who had offered to follow her. Her. Not the Inquisition.

Now all lies were revealed but instead of feeling free he did not know how to go on. How to fix all the harm he had caused by being a coward and a liar. By not being able to speak up at the right time.

It had been days now since his “reprieval”. Days he had spent in solitude. He avoided the company of his former friends and companions. Assuming no one was keen to see him anymore. And in his opinion they were right. He also would not like to sit down with himself anymore to have a drink or chitchat with. So he did them a favour and stayed away.

His eyes had already found her in the far distance. He did not want to watch without her knowing it made him feel like a filthy voyeur. He tried to ignore her but he could not turn his eyes away either. He felt bad like he was an intruder but he kept on watching. Saw her running the serpents leading around Skyhold. She was moving fast, swift and smooth. Like a Halla and at the same time strong, powerful and deadly like a delicate dwarfen made war machine. She was a Dalish from the forests and was she was used to run long distances in high pace. But even from the big distance he recognized that if she continued that speed for much longer she was going to collapse in total exhaustion.

But he could sense what she was doing and understood why. He decided to do something similar. Maybe he would feel better afterwards. And at least it gave him some hope seeing that she struggled, too.

The man who had called himself Blackwall turned away in a sudden and left the battlements. He stepped down to the melee drill ground where he spent the next hours beating up the training dummys.

 

~   ~   ~

 

She needed to overcome it. Proceed doing what she had to do, what was her duty.

Impossible that she would let her personal feelings endanger the path of the Inquisition more than she already did. One time she had allowed herself this weakness but she would not do it again.

She had forced herself back to business. Missions had to be planned and decisions to be made. She was sitting at her ridiculous huge desk in her ridiculous big chambers and was musing for hours about whom to assign best for the upcoming expedition to Emprise du Lion. Dorian and Varric were a quick deal but she could not bring herself there to write _his_ name down, too.

She had to admit, that she didn’t even know which name she would actually write. She even hesitated to think the name that had been always the first one on every assignment list no matter where they went.

But how could she call him by this new name that seemed to be wrong in any way. The name which literally pierced her tongue and heart with all his strange sound and a poisonous taste.

And even more important: Could she ever trust him again? Could they all rely on his loyalty in battle ever again? Would he still give all he got? _Could_ he still give all he got?

And would the companions truly accept if she decided to take him back out in the fields again? Unconditional loyalty and trust was the only thing they had out there to protect themselves.

He had destroyed that trust and before she could take him into battle again he needed to restore the lost faith. She knew that.

She could have made it an easier task for herself by just assigning Bull or Cass and keep on ignoring him. Both were excellent fighters but that was the way a coward would have handled the situation. She was a leader and she knew her way had to be facing the problem. In fact the problem would not solve itself, so she would have to go down to the stables and finally start solving.

She sighed, looked up and watched the fading daylight.

 _‘Now or any other time…’_ she thought. _‘It needs to be done.’_

She got up from her chair.

 _‘Stretched back. Straight shoulders. Head up.’_ She told herself before she left her chambers heading to the stables where she knew she would find the man who had called himself Blackwall.

 

~   ~   ~

 

Lights and campfires were already lit all over Skyhold. Spreading warm light and feelings of home and safety. People were sitting together, chatting, drinking, eating and for a moment it seemed everything was calm and peaceful and full of hope.

Behind the tavern window for a moment she saw Bulls huge frame raising his jug. Also she got a short glimpse of Josies delicate shape and Seras laughter sounded wild and loud into her ears.

She could not continue her way for a moment. She sneaked into the shadows and leaned her back against the tavern wall. She inhaled the fresh air, breathing in and out for some more times. Her eyes were closed and she tried to calm down and focus. It felt so hard to walk up to the stables, knowing she would face _him_ finally there.

Her inner pain increased the closer she came to the place where they have spent so many hours together. But she could not pay attention and definitely not run away now. This had to be done. Now.

 

~   ~   ~

 

She entered the workshop quietly.

He was sitting on a bale of hay at the fireplace. His back to the door was he staring into the flames. He held a little carvers knife and a small piece of wood in his hands but she was sure he hadn't moved them in quite a while.

Soft-footed as always she entered without any noise but he still felt when she was close.

He slowly turned around and got up but came not across her.

“My Lady…” the man who had called himself Blackwall greeted stiffly and with a raspy voice.

A thousand things she had made up in her mind before coming here and now she failed before she was able to speak her first sentence. For a moment she just looked at him and her green eyes glowed deeply in the light of the fire.

Finally she managed to say:

“I don’t even know how to refer to you.” She tried hard to maintain the Inquisitors dignity.

“I… I don’t know. Really I don’t.” he seemed as if he wanted to say something more but no more words came out. He made a helpless gesture with his hands and fell silent again. Watching her standing near the doorway. Motionless like a statue. With no visible emotion. Just her eyes were alive, measuring him with a fierce glow.

He knew that look on her and it scared the crap out of him.

“Do you have family?” her voice was cold. “A wife? Children?”

He shook his head.

“No I did not lie about that. I never had a family of my own. I think I was never suited to that kind of life. Maybe I do not deserve it. And I never found someone I wanted to stay with... until now.” He only was able to make this confession in a whisper. She barely could hear him so she could pretend she didn’t hear it. It was too much, too soon to react to that now. In fact her heart was jumping from joy inside but she had to remain calm from the outside to carry on. So Instead of discussing his latest confession, she kept quiet for a moment longer. Refocussing on the other things she urged to know.

Then she spoke again. Again, she was not raising her voice. Deadly calm as it seemed. She was not giving options right now… she was telling terms.

“I don’t want to get to know Thom Rainier. All I know so far assures me that he is a prick and a person I prefer not to meet. And I see nothing from him in you.” He had nothing to object. In fact he was glad that she shared his opinion about his former self.

She paused for a second then suddenly it slipped away from her in a rush: “I want the man I already… _know_.” She bit her tongue and managed to replace the word _love_ barely before saying it out loud. Anyway, she was angry with herself. The last sentence had been out before she could rethink it properly.

It was the simple truth but she did not intend to make it that easy for him.

Inside he relaxed a little but still stayed at guard. This wasn’t over, yet. And she expected an answer.

“Well… I’ve gotten pretty much used to Blackwall. I could imagine it would be good to stay with that. Maybe less of a name but as a kind of title… almost like... _Inquisitor_. Reminds me what I ought to be… and to honor the real Blackwall”

For a moment she considered to put him back in his place by pointing out that the reference to her title as Inquisitor was inappropriate. But she decided not to. If she had been another person maybe she would have jumped on that. But titles and noblemen-stuff like this didn't mean anything to her. So she allowed herself a slight smile and replied.

“Sounds like an acceptable idea.”

“Thank you, My Lady.”

“You know it is not all that simple…” she continued. And she was not being any specific on purpose. But he nodded.

“Probably not, no.” he replied. “But it was your choice and your decision.” He felt her stiffen but continued boldly: “I will stand by your side like you did when I had no more reason to hope anyone would do so. And when I deserved it the least…”

“Well it seems we agree in that. Actually you do deserve shit!” she pointed out. “Last time we talked you seemed to be eager to rot in a prison cell waiting for the rope to end you. You told me that I better should have abandoned you and turned my back on you!”

“This would have been the decision of any other leader. And I would have understood it. Accepted it. Even welcomed it. But you… are _you_ … I should have known better…”

“Indeed… you should have.... So, by the Makers balls, what made you think I would let you out of my life so easily?”

She still stood near the doorway, not able to come closer. She was afraid of her own feelings and even more for his. But she knew that she had to go on talking to give them a chance to overcome it once and for all time.

She took a deep breath and stepped slowly towards him. _Stretched back. Straight shoulders. Head up._ Step after step she came closer ready to face her pain. And his.

“Are you actually aware what the basic problem is?” she asked with her Inquisitor voice. Even for a Dalish she was a small and slender person but she knew how to use her voice. If she just wanted it she seemed to become tall, majestic, divine. With fierce anger she pierced the warrior with her looks so she was sure he knew she was angry.

“The problem, My Lady,” he replied trying to put his last little pieces of dignity into his words, “You are well aware of the problem: I am a murderer of a whole family just out of greed. And I have stolen the identity of an honored man to evade from the consequences of my crimes.” Stubborn he repeated his crimes as he had told them before.

“If this is all you have learned from that lesson, _Blackwall_ , then may the Maker have mercy with you!” Her eyes seemed to shoot flashes on him.

He remained silent not knowing where this was about to lead. Because he was not replying anything she went on:

“The problem we are dealing here with is _trust_! Your trust. Trust in me, the Inquisition, our friends! You had literally a _thousand_ opportunities to tell!”

He lowered his head.

“I know My Lady. But I simply couldn’t. I needed to believe that I am worthy enough of being here with you. And the inquisition. I wanted to believe that I am capable to be a better person. By telling who I really was I would have lost it all. And I was sure I would not be able to survive that loss. That was my belief. So I could not force me to tell."

She shook her head slowly.

“Everyone here has their story and the fewest of them are suitable to be told at the fireside. We _all_ did horrible things. We lied, killed, murdered, tortured, stole, blackmailed… name it, I’m sure at least one of us will be guilty of it. We did it for gold, for the game, for politics, in order to survive, even for the sheer fun of it. In fact, we could even count as a gang of criminals if we would not work for something good now. And for this I love and appreciate them all. For being here and doing what they do for a good cause. They all are working hard to build and defend the Inquisition. They do good things now. _You_ do good things now. And above all, you, _Blackwall_... You are the one I love in a way that gives me the power to overcome all struggles, all pain and all setbacks. So don’t you dare to tell me, you are not good enough to be among us!” her voice had gone sharp for the last sentence.

“For the Makers sake!" he tried to protest. "Please, don’t you _understand_. I just couldn’t. I wanted that you keep the man in your memories you had known since I was with the Inquisition. The man I so desperately wished to be but finally realized I would never be able to be. Because of what I did in my past. I wanted to be an honorable man who is worthy of you.”

She exploded.

With two last steps she was in front of him and her little hand grabbed him firmly by the collar of his padded jacket and pulled him down until their faces were very close on one height. He did nothing to free his self. His grey eyes were full of sadness and resignation.

She hissed at him but at the same time her voice seemed to echo from the walls until he felt the urge to cover his ears. Her green eyes sparkled and he realized they had the same color as the rifts.

“But what you could do, was banging me on that fucking hayloft like a tavern-whore and then bugger off, leave me with nothing but a rotten badge that not even belonged to you and 3 shitty lines of sorry. Congratulations! The honorable doing of an honorable man!” Her voice was gushing with sarcasm.

She saw how this one hit him hard. This very night had been nothing like she had pictured it now, but she was not longer able to stay reasonable.

Blackwall swallowed hard, tried to stay calm though he felt the urge to defend himself. Instead he managed to say:

“I’m sorry, My Lady.”

“For _what_ of all this?” she shoot back in her fury.

“That…" careful thinking, "I was a coward. I should not have left you like I did. Beside this I do not regret a single second I spent with you.”

“Have you already known when we went upstairs that you will leave at this very night?” she insisted.

No answer.

“Again:“ she demanded. „Was your leaving already planned for this night, when you decided to sleep with me?”

He nodded. Slowly. His eyes full of shame.

He did not see it coming.

Her well trained string-arm was fast. After all she was a trained Assassin. If she just had intended it, there would have happened way more lethal things than just a slap in the face.

When her right hand hit his cheek, his head snatched to the side and he saw lights flashing. The pain was not so much on his skin but at his inside because he was well aware that he had earned that one from her.

He did not move, did not blink, even resisted to follow the reflex to touch his cheek where she had slapped him.

She was breathing heavy but trying hard to calm down. She stepped back a few feet.

“So much for that. This one was personal and I may forgive your doing but be sure I’ll never forget what you did that night.”

“I’ll keep that in mind My Lady.” He nodded trying not to show his emotions. “What else?”

“This one is important, warrior.” She came back to business. “I need to be sure about it. If I go wrong with it, I risk more than my broken heart.”

“And what is it?” he asked, thankful she went back on a more neutral field.

“We are still dealing with trust. And the issues with it caused by your lies. I need to know if you are still ready to fight for the Inquisition. Giving it all. Even your life. Like it was before.”

He relaxed, answered without hesitation.

“More than ever, My Lady.”

Her eyes narrowed. Studied his expression, seemed to look into his soul.

“No more death wishes? No more running away? No cowardice? No lies? We need to rely on you out there as much as you must rely on us. We all must be sure about you, if we take you out there again to kick Corypheus’ ass!”

“No. Not running away. Never again. I am where I belong. And I will go on protecting you and the Inquisition with all I got… Especially you… My Lady… my love…” his voice became soft saying these last words.

She tried not to show her emotions but he caught a little smile she could not hide for a second. Anyway, she wasn’t done with him and she told herself to concentrate on the matter.

“I accept your assertion. From now on keep yourself ready to be assigned again. How you will solve your issues with our companions is your own business. I will not accept fighting and muttering while we are on a mission so deal with it before we go.”

“Aye, My Lady. This seems fair enough. Now, may I ask something?"

She looked into his grey eyes and nodded.

"Of course. Go on."

"Two questions. First: Will you personal trust me again?" she took a moment to think about what to reply best.

"Time will tell. I'll try my best as you will do, too. Second?" she saw her short answer was hard on him, but right now she could not tell any better.

He had to swallow hard before he was able to go on.

"Is it still _My Lady_?" He asked in a low voice. She knew what he intended to paraphrase. There had always been a deeper meaning for both of them in this two little words. It was their way to express their feelings even in public. Both they were no nobles where it was common to refer and be referred like this. For anybody else it may have meant nothing but in their case it meant literally everything. So she took another moment to think about his question. Of course, she still loved him and still wanted to be with him but in some way it was like she was not ready for it. But she was ready to try getting back together again. So she finally answered like a diplomat would have.

"It is. Preliminary."

He frowned a little but kept calm.

"I suppose I have to live with that. Anything else?”

Now she finally smiled at him.

“Yes, there is one final thing.”

“Tell me.” He asked, ready to do whatever she would ask from him as long as she won’t stop smiling.

“You’ll have to figure it out for yourself. Good night, Blackwall. And...” another smile. “Good to have you back!”

And with this the turned around and left the stable with swaying hips. 'S _tretched back. Straight shoulders. Head up.'_ She told herself.

He watched her leave, still frowning, finally allowing his self rubbing his cheek which burned like hell and already musing about what kind of task she just had given to him.

 


End file.
